Something happened to me lately make me decide to start to write reading notes on those I found helpful to relationship. I wont say that what happened shaken my belief to the very core, but at least it made me realized that there are so much I need to learn about communications. I usually thought relationship would work by following my instinct (specifically self cleverness plus the good heart) and having my finger crossed. But most of time it took more than those to make a relationship work, and it takes efforts, communication, trust, and work..
When looking back on it, I don’t think the thing I did was responsible- even to myself. I claimed love, but it isn’t "strong enough to make me stay and try harder". That comment really opened my eyes. Stay and try harder is the right and brave thing to do. Being ostrich is chicken. So be a man and be responsible. In Jodie Foster's coming out speech, she thanked her beautiful Cindy Bernard who sticks with her “through all the rotten and the bliss." Why rotten and bliss? Because that is life. It is so easy to stay when it is happy and things are smooth. But what should we do when things go rough. Then the work part should kick in. So what I did wrong? Please allow me to be Melano once, who always says that he wont sugar coated the truth to suck up his patient, instead he will go ahead cut the wound and get rid of the tumor right away.
To answer that, I have to look at what this pride/manhood really is. Digging deeper, I cant deny the fact that I am afraid to show the incapability side of mine. I want to be the strong one, the giving one, and refuse to be the one ask for the encouragement to face the frustrations I am going through. I refused to show this side of myself because most time "I can handle it"/”I can deal with it”. I know now by painfully force myself analyze it, I can even call the pride dumb as if I am looking at a stranger. But it will be very hard for me to get over them. But I have to make/force myself work on it.
As I wrote in my old blog that I never believe that affectation is something just happened to us, it takes time to get there, especially after we went through those not-always-pleasant relationships. It is something one has to choose by giving others a chance. I knew 86 has doubts and thought he will eventually get there. I always tell myself that I can be patient and willing to wait for him to grow into it. But deep down I still have doubt on it, which is one fact I refuse to stare in the face to. That IS in denial. I remember De says that he want to establish that I can trust him. I just blindly thought that trusting him is never an issue to me, otherwise I could not I like him so much. But I didn’t look into whether I trust him to be emotionally mature enough to grow into it or whether I trust him to be emotionally mature enough to solve those doubts by his own. I pushed those doubts of mine into the corner. He did his share of reassuring me, which actually I didn’t really digest. What I did is not distrust, but it essentially works as an analog of distrust. How to build this trust? He said that I need to build a confidence in myself. Seems to me that that should be the thing I need to focus on doing in the beginning of this coming year, especially considering the self-doubt I had on myself lately. But if 76 is reading this, please also reassures 66 in a subtle way.
Sometimes, building trust isn’t easy as we thought, because our brain plays so many tricks on us, doubts/jealousies. But I believe ones in the relationship should be sure one thing -which is they want to build the partnership. This certainty will give them the willingness/determination to make efforts and the strength to overcome the obstacles. In my case, this certainty will give me the strength to overcome my afraid to go into the emotional dark corner. I tried to find something slimier in bible on the relationship on the trust issue. I failed to find anything specific on this topic. But the essence of the whole biblical teaching is replacing the negative feelings/emotions with positive reassuring love. In the case of relationship, just this reassure/ love are from the your partner.
One more thing I need to work on is to how to handle a fight/argument, which is something I hate since I was a child. But maybe we can learn to discuss something without going into argument/fight, and therefore to gain a mutual understanding through it. But never shut down, willing to talk, remember you are facing the one you want to build a partnership with. He knows your pros cons already and he chooses to stay and work with you. Remember to communicate, be open and get ready to face the needles, even scalpel for some cases.
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