Confidence

I really like the article BB shared. The author is dating, and during this process he learns to better himself, works on his self-esteem, develops a sense of who he is, and more than anything else to gain the confidence and learn to believe that he is somebody that people should love. As one of those who living too long as a part of collective and do not have clear idea of his own identity, I need to take the same course. But if asked to write on this topic, I probably will follow the same thought pattern and add some extra points of mine.

In dating, it is relatively easier to find out there is something that one likes, but gives the other the chills. Like being the S in the SM scene. During this process of selection, two decide whether they fit or not, and therefore continue to see each other. After two date for a while, know a great deal and grow fond of each other, and decide that the other is one worth giving a shot for, so they start a relationship. Then they will find that the thin line between what one likes and what the other dislikes disappears and they enter a world full of gray area. Most of the things are those that one like but the other can go either way. Then what the other should do? How about let the other alone and let him be himself? But how himself the other guy can be? Take me as an example, if the world can let me alone, I want to sleep late and get up late; don’t want to work so hard every day and still being paid well, don’t want to clean the sink whenever it is dirty and don’t want to change cloths/ have shower every day. All I am saying is that we all have our responsibilities and obligations. We have ours when living alone and being single. We will have some others when we are partnered and having a bf. Having a BF is such a nice thing, and it makes me smile even when sleeping. But nothing comes free. Partnership too. How could we hear people say that on one hand one of his biggest ambitions is to make his partner happy, on the other hand he hopes everything work out magically by itself and he doesn’t need to have to do anything about it. If there is such a magic thing on sale, I believe there will be a long line of people waiting to purchase. Oh, if there is such thing, it will cost a fortune, and then people will bust their asses working to save enough for it. Wait it still needs work - another stories of our lives.

What the author’s point is about starting a relationship, whereas what I am saying is for maintaining a relationship, i.e. dating problems vs. relationship problems (D vs. R issues). Starting a relationship is like watching a movie- it is flirting with a guy. If that is a good-looking movie, the whole flirting process could be very pleasant. But this wonderful feeling could only last for 2 hours. Although you will think of that the movie afterward and occasionally spent 1 or 2 mins recalling the memorable lines. But that is it. Maintaining a relationship is like shooting a movie. The director(s) has to write the script, raise the money and more than anything else have to rebuild the vision in his mind to the camera. That requires much more work than just sitting in front a screen/tv holding a handful of popcorn.

The article mentioned that “catch myself when I'm tempted to change for bad reasons”, given the changed oneself due to the imperfect personality are changes for good reasons. Then what he is saying is that don’t alter ourselves to please others- “we cant thoughtlessly mold ourselves into someone other want us to be”. To please others by being others want us to be is hard partially because we don’t know exactly what others want us to be. So just being ourselves. It is also mentioned that lack of confidence is unattractive. That certainly is not the opposite of lack self identity- being full of oneself -that is arrogance btw. What he is saying is that we all need to work on figuring out what we ARE. Once again relax, being ourselves and we are attractive in our own ways, but just remember don’t hang our queer flag too high…