I really miss the good old times when I can sit down and write something to the person I care -or I should used the big L word now. During one episode, DeDe asked me how would I do to make my loved one happy. My answer would go- I will love him. But, how to define loving him? What I love him in my way means to him? We might be under different frame of reference. So the first thing to do is to learn what is love.
There is something with me about this big L word. 10 years ago, I had so many fantasies about it and thought that is the most beautiful single thing in the whole wide world. Now in my 30, it wont come to me as easy as a kiss on the lips, a smile when watching he sleeping, a touch on his silky back. The thing about love is that we cannot scientifically measure or prove it. I tend to believe that that there are too much about it I don’t really know, which makes me think this is such a rich phrase.
Weeks ago, I read some articles on wikihow about love.
http://www.wikihow.com/Define-Love
http://www.wikihow.com/Know-the-Difference-Between-Love%2C-Infatuation-and-Lust
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
Honestly I don't quite like the rational tone they used, which make them sound indifferent. But at least they are very educational and insightful in some level.
Among all those serious definitions out there, one of my personal favorites is
Love is patient； love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Another very similar and more down to earth version can be found in the movie Juno. There is one scene that Juno thought she might lose her faith in humanity and was wondering whether “if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.”, her father replied that
Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Of course you can say that 2nd fix-it-all/feel-good answer from a father to his 16-year-old daughter sounds a little bit fictionally unrealistic- something we should expect from a romantic comedy. But the first definition is the most read in the American weddings. Don’t tell me every single couple believed such reading are unrealistically high standard. Some couples out there are living according to those standards, and/or at least they should get some credit for busting their asses trying. But the bar is indeed very high, and a closer look might help me to learn how to love.
According to wikihow, love usually consists of 3 or 4 parts: Passion/Intimacy/Commitment (or Friendship), which does make a lot of sense to me and helped me to clarify some mistake impression I had. When I was younger, I did have problem to tell the difference between love and infatuation. The latter seems only contain passion and intimacy and grows into full bloom almost immediately, whereas love takes root slowly and grows with time. Based on my personal experience, the infatuation usually comes and goes very quickly, and only lasts in a much shorter period of time comparing to love. One important lesson I learned is that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity.
Recalling some episodes DeDe and I had, we can see the both of us are committed to make this work. But we also realized that we needed to apply the commitment/willingness-to-make-effort into the right directions. In another word, we need to learn on how to make it work. To me, the first thing is to learn to speak DeDe’s love language. I read the long email on Zaizai and me. I really appreciate De’s honesty in communication, which is a big part of why I like him. That article really dig out some difference in our communication. We both have our own ways of dealing things and people. We both are very skillful in our own languages, and we also are fully aware that our tricks are not WorkForAll. The thing is that the method D works events and method Z works events are intersected, we wish they could be mutually exclusive though. So the problem is that which method should we use for the events falls into the intersection? I guess for those, the ‘love is patient, love is kind, is not self-seeking’ should kick in. For me, specifically, I should learn to think using D method, tell De that I think something he did might not be inappropriate in my opinion. Whenever there is something I don’t totally agree what De did, the first thing I need remember is to “appreciate my partner and myself”. Remember that he means good and remember that what I am doing will be beneficial to us both in the long run.
I know we wouldn’t get there within an overnight time, but if we keep working on it, eventually we should be closer and closer. The whole thing works like saying I love you. How would you know what you are capable of, if you don’t let yourself go ahead and say it? So we did go ahead and claim love, then we heard the birds singing. Look, it was snowing, and freezing outside but we felt warm inside.
There is something with me about this big L word. 10 years ago, I had so many fantasies about it and thought that is the most beautiful single thing in the whole wide world. Now in my 30, it wont come to me as easy as a kiss on the lips, a smile when watching he sleeping, a touch on his silky back. The thing about love is that we cannot scientifically measure or prove it. I tend to believe that that there are too much about it I don’t really know, which makes me think this is such a rich phrase.
Weeks ago, I read some articles on wikihow about love.
http://www.wikihow.com/Define-Love
http://www.wikihow.com/Know-the-Difference-Between-Love%2C-Infatuation-and-Lust
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
Honestly I don't quite like the rational tone they used, which make them sound indifferent. But at least they are very educational and insightful in some level.
Among all those serious definitions out there, one of my personal favorites is
Love is patient； love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Another very similar and more down to earth version can be found in the movie Juno. There is one scene that Juno thought she might lose her faith in humanity and was wondering whether “if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.”, her father replied that
Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Of course you can say that 2nd fix-it-all/feel-good answer from a father to his 16-year-old daughter sounds a little bit fictionally unrealistic- something we should expect from a romantic comedy. But the first definition is the most read in the American weddings. Don’t tell me every single couple believed such reading are unrealistically high standard. Some couples out there are living according to those standards, and/or at least they should get some credit for busting their asses trying. But the bar is indeed very high, and a closer look might help me to learn how to love.
According to wikihow, love usually consists of 3 or 4 parts: Passion/Intimacy/Commitment (or Friendship), which does make a lot of sense to me and helped me to clarify some mistake impression I had. When I was younger, I did have problem to tell the difference between love and infatuation. The latter seems only contain passion and intimacy and grows into full bloom almost immediately, whereas love takes root slowly and grows with time. Based on my personal experience, the infatuation usually comes and goes very quickly, and only lasts in a much shorter period of time comparing to love. One important lesson I learned is that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity.
Recalling some episodes DeDe and I had, we can see the both of us are committed to make this work. But we also realized that we needed to apply the commitment/willingness-to-make-effort into the right directions. In another word, we need to learn on how to make it work. To me, the first thing is to learn to speak DeDe’s love language. I read the long email on Zaizai and me. I really appreciate De’s honesty in communication, which is a big part of why I like him. That article really dig out some difference in our communication. We both have our own ways of dealing things and people. We both are very skillful in our own languages, and we also are fully aware that our tricks are not WorkForAll. The thing is that the method D works events and method Z works events are intersected, we wish they could be mutually exclusive though. So the problem is that which method should we use for the events falls into the intersection? I guess for those, the ‘love is patient, love is kind, is not self-seeking’ should kick in. For me, specifically, I should learn to think using D method, tell De that I think something he did might not be inappropriate in my opinion. Whenever there is something I don’t totally agree what De did, the first thing I need remember is to “appreciate my partner and myself”. Remember that he means good and remember that what I am doing will be beneficial to us both in the long run.
I know we wouldn’t get there within an overnight time, but if we keep working on it, eventually we should be closer and closer. The whole thing works like saying I love you. How would you know what you are capable of, if you don’t let yourself go ahead and say it? So we did go ahead and claim love, then we heard the birds singing. Look, it was snowing, and freezing outside but we felt warm inside.
1 comment:
wow, new doubai movie list and picasa albums. a welcome change.
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