Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
sound this week -one, two, three, four,
one, two, three, four,
tell me that you love me more.
sleepless, long nights.
that was what my youth was for.
oh, teenage hopes
arrive at your door
left you with nothing,
but they want some more
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
sweetheart, bitterheart,
now i can't tell you apart.
cozy and cold,
put the horse before the cart.
those teenage hopes,
who have tears in their eyes.
too scared to own up
to one little lie.
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
bada bada bada bada bada bada bada
bada bada bada bada
for for the teenage boys,
for breaking your heart.
for the teenage boys,
for breaking your heart
tell me that you love me more.
sleepless, long nights.
that was what my youth was for.
oh, teenage hopes
arrive at your door
left you with nothing,
but they want some more
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
sweetheart, bitterheart,
now i can't tell you apart.
cozy and cold,
put the horse before the cart.
those teenage hopes,
who have tears in their eyes.
too scared to own up
to one little lie.
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
bada bada bada bada bada bada bada
bada bada bada bada
for for the teenage boys,
for breaking your heart.
for the teenage boys,
for breaking your heart
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Notes on Love
I really miss the good old times when I can sit down and write something to the person I care -or I should used the big L word now. During one episode, DeDe asked me how would I do to make my loved one happy. My answer would go- I will love him. But, how to define loving him? What I love him in my way means to him? We might be under different frame of reference. So the first thing to do is to learn what is love.
There is something with me about this big L word. 10 years ago, I had so many fantasies about it and thought that is the most beautiful single thing in the whole wide world. Now in my 30, it wont come to me as easy as a kiss on the lips, a smile when watching he sleeping, a touch on his silky back. The thing about love is that we cannot scientifically measure or prove it. I tend to believe that that there are too much about it I don’t really know, which makes me think this is such a rich phrase.
Weeks ago, I read some articles on wikihow about love.
http://www.wikihow.com/Define-Love
http://www.wikihow.com/Know-the-Difference-Between-Love%2C-Infatuation-and-Lust
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
Honestly I don't quite like the rational tone they used, which make them sound indifferent. But at least they are very educational and insightful in some level.
Among all those serious definitions out there, one of my personal favorites is
Love is patient； love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Another very similar and more down to earth version can be found in the movie Juno. There is one scene that Juno thought she might lose her faith in humanity and was wondering whether “if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.”, her father replied that
Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Of course you can say that 2nd fix-it-all/feel-good answer from a father to his 16-year-old daughter sounds a little bit fictionally unrealistic- something we should expect from a romantic comedy. But the first definition is the most read in the American weddings. Don’t tell me every single couple believed such reading are unrealistically high standard. Some couples out there are living according to those standards, and/or at least they should get some credit for busting their asses trying. But the bar is indeed very high, and a closer look might help me to learn how to love.
According to wikihow, love usually consists of 3 or 4 parts: Passion/Intimacy/Commitment (or Friendship), which does make a lot of sense to me and helped me to clarify some mistake impression I had. When I was younger, I did have problem to tell the difference between love and infatuation. The latter seems only contain passion and intimacy and grows into full bloom almost immediately, whereas love takes root slowly and grows with time. Based on my personal experience, the infatuation usually comes and goes very quickly, and only lasts in a much shorter period of time comparing to love. One important lesson I learned is that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity.
Recalling some episodes DeDe and I had, we can see the both of us are committed to make this work. But we also realized that we needed to apply the commitment/willingness-to-make-effort into the right directions. In another word, we need to learn on how to make it work. To me, the first thing is to learn to speak DeDe’s love language. I read the long email on Zaizai and me. I really appreciate De’s honesty in communication, which is a big part of why I like him. That article really dig out some difference in our communication. We both have our own ways of dealing things and people. We both are very skillful in our own languages, and we also are fully aware that our tricks are not WorkForAll. The thing is that the method D works events and method Z works events are intersected, we wish they could be mutually exclusive though. So the problem is that which method should we use for the events falls into the intersection? I guess for those, the ‘love is patient, love is kind, is not self-seeking’ should kick in. For me, specifically, I should learn to think using D method, tell De that I think something he did might not be inappropriate in my opinion. Whenever there is something I don’t totally agree what De did, the first thing I need remember is to “appreciate my partner and myself”. Remember that he means good and remember that what I am doing will be beneficial to us both in the long run.
I know we wouldn’t get there within an overnight time, but if we keep working on it, eventually we should be closer and closer. The whole thing works like saying I love you. How would you know what you are capable of, if you don’t let yourself go ahead and say it? So we did go ahead and claim love, then we heard the birds singing. Look, it was snowing, and freezing outside but we felt warm inside.
There is something with me about this big L word. 10 years ago, I had so many fantasies about it and thought that is the most beautiful single thing in the whole wide world. Now in my 30, it wont come to me as easy as a kiss on the lips, a smile when watching he sleeping, a touch on his silky back. The thing about love is that we cannot scientifically measure or prove it. I tend to believe that that there are too much about it I don’t really know, which makes me think this is such a rich phrase.
Weeks ago, I read some articles on wikihow about love.
http://www.wikihow.com/Define-Love
http://www.wikihow.com/Know-the-Difference-Between-Love%2C-Infatuation-and-Lust
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
Honestly I don't quite like the rational tone they used, which make them sound indifferent. But at least they are very educational and insightful in some level.
Among all those serious definitions out there, one of my personal favorites is
Love is patient； love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Another very similar and more down to earth version can be found in the movie Juno. There is one scene that Juno thought she might lose her faith in humanity and was wondering whether “if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.”, her father replied that
Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Of course you can say that 2nd fix-it-all/feel-good answer from a father to his 16-year-old daughter sounds a little bit fictionally unrealistic- something we should expect from a romantic comedy. But the first definition is the most read in the American weddings. Don’t tell me every single couple believed such reading are unrealistically high standard. Some couples out there are living according to those standards, and/or at least they should get some credit for busting their asses trying. But the bar is indeed very high, and a closer look might help me to learn how to love.
According to wikihow, love usually consists of 3 or 4 parts: Passion/Intimacy/Commitment (or Friendship), which does make a lot of sense to me and helped me to clarify some mistake impression I had. When I was younger, I did have problem to tell the difference between love and infatuation. The latter seems only contain passion and intimacy and grows into full bloom almost immediately, whereas love takes root slowly and grows with time. Based on my personal experience, the infatuation usually comes and goes very quickly, and only lasts in a much shorter period of time comparing to love. One important lesson I learned is that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity.
Recalling some episodes DeDe and I had, we can see the both of us are committed to make this work. But we also realized that we needed to apply the commitment/willingness-to-make-effort into the right directions. In another word, we need to learn on how to make it work. To me, the first thing is to learn to speak DeDe’s love language. I read the long email on Zaizai and me. I really appreciate De’s honesty in communication, which is a big part of why I like him. That article really dig out some difference in our communication. We both have our own ways of dealing things and people. We both are very skillful in our own languages, and we also are fully aware that our tricks are not WorkForAll. The thing is that the method D works events and method Z works events are intersected, we wish they could be mutually exclusive though. So the problem is that which method should we use for the events falls into the intersection? I guess for those, the ‘love is patient, love is kind, is not self-seeking’ should kick in. For me, specifically, I should learn to think using D method, tell De that I think something he did might not be inappropriate in my opinion. Whenever there is something I don’t totally agree what De did, the first thing I need remember is to “appreciate my partner and myself”. Remember that he means good and remember that what I am doing will be beneficial to us both in the long run.
I know we wouldn’t get there within an overnight time, but if we keep working on it, eventually we should be closer and closer. The whole thing works like saying I love you. How would you know what you are capable of, if you don’t let yourself go ahead and say it? So we did go ahead and claim love, then we heard the birds singing. Look, it was snowing, and freezing outside but we felt warm inside.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Confidence
I really like the article BB shared. The author is dating, and during this process he learns to better himself, works on his self-esteem, develops a sense of who he is, and more than anything else to gain the confidence and learn to believe that he is somebody that people should love. As one of those who living too long as a part of collective and do not have clear idea of his own identity, I need to take the same course. But if asked to write on this topic, I probably will follow the same thought pattern and add some extra points of mine.
In dating, it is relatively easier to find out there is something that one likes, but gives the other the chills. Like being the S in the SM scene. During this process of selection, two decide whether they fit or not, and therefore continue to see each other. After two date for a while, know a great deal and grow fond of each other, and decide that the other is one worth giving a shot for, so they start a relationship. Then they will find that the thin line between what one likes and what the other dislikes disappears and they enter a world full of gray area. Most of the things are those that one like but the other can go either way. Then what the other should do? How about let the other alone and let him be himself? But how himself the other guy can be? Take me as an example, if the world can let me alone, I want to sleep late and get up late; don’t want to work so hard every day and still being paid well, don’t want to clean the sink whenever it is dirty and don’t want to change cloths/ have shower every day. All I am saying is that we all have our responsibilities and obligations. We have ours when living alone and being single. We will have some others when we are partnered and having a bf. Having a BF is such a nice thing, and it makes me smile even when sleeping. But nothing comes free. Partnership too. How could we hear people say that on one hand one of his biggest ambitions is to make his partner happy, on the other hand he hopes everything work out magically by itself and he doesn’t need to have to do anything about it. If there is such a magic thing on sale, I believe there will be a long line of people waiting to purchase. Oh, if there is such thing, it will cost a fortune, and then people will bust their asses working to save enough for it. Wait it still needs work - another stories of our lives.
What the author’s point is about starting a relationship, whereas what I am saying is for maintaining a relationship, i.e. dating problems vs. relationship problems (D vs. R issues). Starting a relationship is like watching a movie- it is flirting with a guy. If that is a good-looking movie, the whole flirting process could be very pleasant. But this wonderful feeling could only last for 2 hours. Although you will think of that the movie afterward and occasionally spent 1 or 2 mins recalling the memorable lines. But that is it. Maintaining a relationship is like shooting a movie. The director(s) has to write the script, raise the money and more than anything else have to rebuild the vision in his mind to the camera. That requires much more work than just sitting in front a screen/tv holding a handful of popcorn.
The article mentioned that “catch myself when I'm tempted to change for bad reasons”, given the changed oneself due to the imperfect personality are changes for good reasons. Then what he is saying is that don’t alter ourselves to please others- “we cant thoughtlessly mold ourselves into someone other want us to be”. To please others by being others want us to be is hard partially because we don’t know exactly what others want us to be. So just being ourselves. It is also mentioned that lack of confidence is unattractive. That certainly is not the opposite of lack self identity- being full of oneself -that is arrogance btw. What he is saying is that we all need to work on figuring out what we ARE. Once again relax, being ourselves and we are attractive in our own ways, but just remember don’t hang our queer flag too high…
In dating, it is relatively easier to find out there is something that one likes, but gives the other the chills. Like being the S in the SM scene. During this process of selection, two decide whether they fit or not, and therefore continue to see each other. After two date for a while, know a great deal and grow fond of each other, and decide that the other is one worth giving a shot for, so they start a relationship. Then they will find that the thin line between what one likes and what the other dislikes disappears and they enter a world full of gray area. Most of the things are those that one like but the other can go either way. Then what the other should do? How about let the other alone and let him be himself? But how himself the other guy can be? Take me as an example, if the world can let me alone, I want to sleep late and get up late; don’t want to work so hard every day and still being paid well, don’t want to clean the sink whenever it is dirty and don’t want to change cloths/ have shower every day. All I am saying is that we all have our responsibilities and obligations. We have ours when living alone and being single. We will have some others when we are partnered and having a bf. Having a BF is such a nice thing, and it makes me smile even when sleeping. But nothing comes free. Partnership too. How could we hear people say that on one hand one of his biggest ambitions is to make his partner happy, on the other hand he hopes everything work out magically by itself and he doesn’t need to have to do anything about it. If there is such a magic thing on sale, I believe there will be a long line of people waiting to purchase. Oh, if there is such thing, it will cost a fortune, and then people will bust their asses working to save enough for it. Wait it still needs work - another stories of our lives.
What the author’s point is about starting a relationship, whereas what I am saying is for maintaining a relationship, i.e. dating problems vs. relationship problems (D vs. R issues). Starting a relationship is like watching a movie- it is flirting with a guy. If that is a good-looking movie, the whole flirting process could be very pleasant. But this wonderful feeling could only last for 2 hours. Although you will think of that the movie afterward and occasionally spent 1 or 2 mins recalling the memorable lines. But that is it. Maintaining a relationship is like shooting a movie. The director(s) has to write the script, raise the money and more than anything else have to rebuild the vision in his mind to the camera. That requires much more work than just sitting in front a screen/tv holding a handful of popcorn.
The article mentioned that “catch myself when I'm tempted to change for bad reasons”, given the changed oneself due to the imperfect personality are changes for good reasons. Then what he is saying is that don’t alter ourselves to please others- “we cant thoughtlessly mold ourselves into someone other want us to be”. To please others by being others want us to be is hard partially because we don’t know exactly what others want us to be. So just being ourselves. It is also mentioned that lack of confidence is unattractive. That certainly is not the opposite of lack self identity- being full of oneself -that is arrogance btw. What he is saying is that we all need to work on figuring out what we ARE. Once again relax, being ourselves and we are attractive in our own ways, but just remember don’t hang our queer flag too high…
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
John, the Builder
Something happened to me lately make me decide to start to write reading notes on those I found helpful to relationship. I wont say that what happened shaken my belief to the very core, but at least it made me realized that there are so much I need to learn about communications. I usually thought relationship would work by following my instinct (specifically self cleverness plus the good heart) and having my finger crossed. But most of time it took more than those to make a relationship work, and it takes efforts, communication, trust, and work..
When looking back on it, I don’t think the thing I did was responsible- even to myself. I claimed love, but it isn’t "strong enough to make me stay and try harder". That comment really opened my eyes. Stay and try harder is the right and brave thing to do. Being ostrich is chicken. So be a man and be responsible. In Jodie Foster's coming out speech, she thanked her beautiful Cindy Bernard who sticks with her “through all the rotten and the bliss." Why rotten and bliss? Because that is life. It is so easy to stay when it is happy and things are smooth. But what should we do when things go rough. Then the work part should kick in. So what I did wrong? Please allow me to be Melano once, who always says that he wont sugar coated the truth to suck up his patient, instead he will go ahead cut the wound and get rid of the tumor right away.
To answer that, I have to look at what this pride/manhood really is. Digging deeper, I cant deny the fact that I am afraid to show the incapability side of mine. I want to be the strong one, the giving one, and refuse to be the one ask for the encouragement to face the frustrations I am going through. I refused to show this side of myself because most time "I can handle it"/”I can deal with it”. I know now by painfully force myself analyze it, I can even call the pride dumb as if I am looking at a stranger. But it will be very hard for me to get over them. But I have to make/force myself work on it.
As I wrote in my old blog that I never believe that affectation is something just happened to us, it takes time to get there, especially after we went through those not-always-pleasant relationships. It is something one has to choose by giving others a chance. I knew 86 has doubts and thought he will eventually get there. I always tell myself that I can be patient and willing to wait for him to grow into it. But deep down I still have doubt on it, which is one fact I refuse to stare in the face to. That IS in denial. I remember De says that he want to establish that I can trust him. I just blindly thought that trusting him is never an issue to me, otherwise I could not I like him so much. But I didn’t look into whether I trust him to be emotionally mature enough to grow into it or whether I trust him to be emotionally mature enough to solve those doubts by his own. I pushed those doubts of mine into the corner. He did his share of reassuring me, which actually I didn’t really digest. What I did is not distrust, but it essentially works as an analog of distrust. How to build this trust? He said that I need to build a confidence in myself. Seems to me that that should be the thing I need to focus on doing in the beginning of this coming year, especially considering the self-doubt I had on myself lately. But if 76 is reading this, please also reassures 66 in a subtle way.
Sometimes, building trust isn’t easy as we thought, because our brain plays so many tricks on us, doubts/jealousies. But I believe ones in the relationship should be sure one thing -which is they want to build the partnership. This certainty will give them the willingness/determination to make efforts and the strength to overcome the obstacles. In my case, this certainty will give me the strength to overcome my afraid to go into the emotional dark corner. I tried to find something slimier in bible on the relationship on the trust issue. I failed to find anything specific on this topic. But the essence of the whole biblical teaching is replacing the negative feelings/emotions with positive reassuring love. In the case of relationship, just this reassure/ love are from the your partner.
One more thing I need to work on is to how to handle a fight/argument, which is something I hate since I was a child. But maybe we can learn to discuss something without going into argument/fight, and therefore to gain a mutual understanding through it. But never shut down, willing to talk, remember you are facing the one you want to build a partnership with. He knows your pros cons already and he chooses to stay and work with you. Remember to communicate, be open and get ready to face the needles, even scalpel for some cases.
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