Bon appétit

Today I googled some local Vietnam pho restaurant and this following blog popped out. I really like this foodie blogger write about the food.

This is a crowded evening noodle slurp shop. Night noodles is a more relaxed food experience. People have more time and they drink beer and dwell longer than they would over a breakfast bowl.

He is writing about the greasy spoon local fare restaurant, casual but well cooked I guess the foodie bloggers like stickyrice really enjoy double life they are leading. They work in the office as most of us during daytime, but after work their true interests are food. They can manage to withdraw from the daily hectic world.

I have to admit that I enjoy more on reading how good some dish taste about. I don’t think I have a good taste in food as BB does. I could get really jealous when looking at him enjoy himself with those perfectly cooked freshly spicy little lobsters with the inviting red all over them. But his good appetite sometimes-like today- can inspires me to treat myself with some delicious dishes. Earlier today I went to the local Asian grocery store, bought 2 fat female crabs and a half-pound shrimp along some green onion.

15 minutes later after I got back home, the yellow/orange cooked roe inside the crab liquated in my mouth. The pungent flavored roe almost tasted slightly sweet. What else can I ask for a relaxing Saturday afternoon?

Well- Same Sex Couples

I really like the new perspective on gay partnership and even gay marriage this article raised. From my personal experience, same sex partnership has blessings of its own comparing with the traditional heterosexual marriage. But as the author of this article is more likely to be straight, some of his views are a little bit outsiderly oversimplified. However egalitarian is the obvious strength in the same sex relationship, it is not always a blessing in a relationship. As no one looks for another self other than a partner sharing interest and values, the yinyan balance in relationship is one key to make it functional well, which has been proved to be very much the case in all relationship- both gay and straight. As we all notice that gay couples each have their own role differences, and how to balance the relationship in sharing responsibility and authority are always the daily challenges gay couples facing.

But I can’t agree more on another point the article made on solving the conflicts in relationship. Instead of dodging with tactics gays are obviously more committed in solving the conflict by communication, which is a better attitude toward the relationship. Between the two, the homosexual couples are the mature ones that are more willing to and committed in communication. That might because that they learned how fragile the thing called relationship really is, form the fellow couple’s nonlasting romances. Nowadays people are looking for partners to complete themselves. The share interests and values are just the starting point of the relationship, and the really challenges are the spiritual and emotional compatibility between the two after establishing the connection. As the idea what we want in the relationship develops/changes, no one has all the qualities the other person needs. If one fails to grow with his partner, chances are that he might be left behind. Because of all those, the commitment and efforts of those regular gay couple together for years made are always touching.

The 21 years couple, Stuart Gafney and John Lewis (right) , celebrate on the steps of the State Supreme Court moments after the court's decision legalizing marriage between same-sex couples, in which they were plantiffs.

拍拖 aka dating

拍拖这个词的来历原来是航运俗语中来的，通常大船载货并拖小船一艘，主航道大拖小；近岸时，大船吃水深，难以靠岸，此时小船便卸货上岸，来回相依-是为拍拖。

Teardrop--Love is a doing word…

I really loved this song, and especially the love is a verb, love is a doing word portion in the lyric. This song is the theme song of Dr. House-one of my favorites this season, mainly because of the reminiscent of a heartbeat part(drum?) at the very beginning. But the song is written by massive attack, originally song by Elizabeth Fraser (formerly known as cocteau twins – one of most influential singers to Faye Wong ) right after the accidentally death of her back-then lover Jeff . So the teardrop on the fear, to me, is metaphorically comparing one’s love and passion to a fire, which will greatly overcome any grief- teardrop. I believe this is one of those songs written to those who are going through grief, loss, and hardship. What they went through has created a hole in their life. And it might help to turn to a larger wholeness around that empty/grieving space.

In the live version, shooting angle purposely mimics that motion of heartbeat,

which echoed the underlined meaning of the life as the fetus lip singing in the MTV.


Lyric:
Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Nine night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

one plus one

Another weekend is half gone. Two lovely movies later, I am now sitting in the balcony of my apartment, surrounded by green trees and sound of birds.

I really loved the movie Starting Out in the Evening, which is about an old writer/novelist. I have a thing for the movies or shows for writers, because I found recording the soul adventures that regular people go through are rather fascinating. The writing topics can vary from what happening in the daily life-maybe trivial but still fleshy- to something dramatic like suicide and sexaholic. But as one of my favorite writer once said, the really inviting part is that when writing he is speaking on behalf a lived soul. Typing this piece reminds me how much I liked blogging, one of the few things I do that is remotely close to writing. As a more of rational person, I refuse to use simplistic critical thinking on most issues. That helps me look things in both sides or mulit-sides as many things are in real life, but also gives me a rather lengthy and on one hand & on the other hand clinch style.

I also watched one of my all time favorites the hours one more time. And the story of Julian Moore’s character tells me something new on how it feels like to be the son of a closet gay parent. I am not saying the director ethically condemned the closet gay parents, or the rest of us should do. But that is still someone I personally won’t want to be. Partly because that is something I can’t afford plus it is beyond what I can handle –based on the pieces of ideas I learn about myself over the years. But gays couldn't all guard their lives so tightly that they can stop giving in to the temptation of being a parent in a straight marriage. Every single one of us has our own case that nobody else can exactly mimic.

Now I can read more from a masterpiece movie like the hours than few years ago, thanks to growing old and being happily settled. I feel that I grow up into this entity+soul that the other half’s existence keep reminding me that I am part of someone else’s life as much as I am of my own. There are not many things can top that.

Light off time now, and B you have a good sleep.

pleasant blogurprises

I didn’t update for quite a while- two full months to be exact, and I found two surprises in my own blog…

Here is one treat from the photos group I subscribed at flickr

This is the comment left by Matt, whose blog I subscribed and followed rather closely.

love thermal dynamics

Last week, there was this important meeting at work, and the boss decided to hire a new guy who used to work for him. The boss wanted to hire this person through G's company. I ran into this situation before. Every time, when the budget boss wants to hire someone through the one company, he either wants more control on the company or he wants to do a big favor to the hiree. But most of time, it ends up as a win-win if both sides can settle it well, given the hiree is easy to work with.

I remember I read one article on applying thermal dynamics into our daily life:
First law: You cannot win (that is, you cannot get something for nothing, because matter and energy are conserved).
Second law: You cannot break even (you cannot return to the same energy state, because there is always an increase in disorder; entropy always increases).
Zero law: You cannot get out of the game (because absolute zero is unattainable).

That certainly can be applied to most cases we run into during our daily work. We need to find the balance on almost everything. But with a little modification, they can be applied to relationship.

First law : There is no win; but we can achieve a win-win
Second law: There is no break even; but we can achieve a maximum thropy(win-win again)
Zero law : We can find ways to enjoy or have fun in a relationship.

There certainly is no way to measure win or lose in a relationship, simply because we don't know how to measure it - so as love. People always say that it is LOVE that make the world go around. I used to believe it is more like the profit that make the materialism world go around, especially in the commercial world like the one we are in right now, things are profit driven. People say that it is moments, days and nights they spent with their loved ones that will count by the end of the day. They made a point. I remember the hongkong movie “Tempting Heart”, in the end the 2-decade boyfriend showed her a pile of photos of sky. Those were the sky when he missed her, with the when and where on the back of the photos. A little bit dramatic, but still very touchy and literally made the point. When looking back upon the things I went through with D, the first time we met, the gathering afterwards, the sweet moments and also those moments he drove me nuts... We witnessed the relationship grows and we grow along with it. So it is love that move the world around - still learning on how LOVE works its power to do so though. But one thing I learned is that although love cant be measured, but we can certainly know it when it is there. Along all those years, what I learned on the difference between love and infatuation is that time did play different roles in them. Some say that they still love their partner as much now as the very day they met the other half. I say they feel the love more because they know them more, and the infatuation less also because they know them more. Love simply lasts.


How to achieve the win win in a relationship is always a tricky question, espicially when there is no win in a relationship. I guess like anything else in life, we need to learn to how to love and how to feel the love. Maybe this is how we can get to win win. It isn't easy, otherwise we wont see so many people failed. The communication is the bridge, as any other relationships. And being open is the key, open our mind, open our eyes and open our ears. So easy to say and hard to do. There are so many times I have already "get" what BB thinks before he even says it. There are projectings, my projectings. It is silly but it is who we are. We never see the world as WHAT IT IS, but as WHO WE ARE. And there are times we say things as what we wish they are instead of what they really are. Of course bonding also means we intertwine our prespective, i.e. WHO WE ARE. There will be differences, and even crashes. Usually when we try to convince others, we are so convinced that we are right. Arent we? How to find/fight a way out of it. Love, I guess. After all Love is patient, love is kind. I remember in one episode, after a little fight, I said "you know I love you, right?". That was more for me than for him. So is the "I am sorry". According to Jennifer Cavalleri"Love means never having to say you're sorry", along with "never say I love you unless you mean it". So love is hard, because of the patient, kind, not envy, not boast, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking etc... One thing I learned in the relationship is that our partner served as a wonderful mirror for us once we are open. We learn ourselves through them, usually and mostly through the unpleasant confront and fight we had. But the reason we know love lasts is because love is sweet, and it is mouth-watering sweet. So prepared ourselves with a dose of courage and 9 doses of love, give it time and we will have fun and see many beautiful scene on the road.

Say It Aloud

I like Lotus leaf's articles-calling post, and believe "being gay" will be a good title for this event. I once wrote in my blog that "one of my biggest ambitions is to find something remotely close to what we called happiness". I guess I am more looking for something called gay happiness. Being happy should be a statue of mind, and should not totally up to one’s relationship or partnership status. And I believe one can be happy being single. Writing this at this moment, I still don’t know what happiness is, but I know I am happy now. Being in a relationship certainly helped.

I read C's blog earlier today, and was hit by the sense of unbearable lightness. It wasn’t too long ago that I was also haunted by the sense too. One lesson I learn along the road is that obsession with big/bigger ideas might make our daily work or daily life seems to be demeaning. But those nuances accessorizing our lives indeed are what make us feel happy or might be what life truly is. Back in the Tampa airport before we left the sunshine city that left us with so many fond memories, I sat there waiting for him to check in the plane. He then noticed I was looking, got blushed and smiled back at me. I can smell the tiny happiness flying in the air back then, back then. It reminded me of ‘thinking the sun shines out of your ass’ from Juno we watched earlier that weekend. I guess it could be true that we can find someone that will like us “no matter I am making a bed or making a movie. “

PS. getting better soon…

 

sound this week -one, two, three, four,

one, two, three, four,
tell me that you love me more.
sleepless, long nights.
that was what my youth was for.
oh, teenage hopes
arrive at your door
left you with nothing,
but they want some more
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
sweetheart, bitterheart,
now i can't tell you apart.
cozy and cold,
put the horse before the cart.
those teenage hopes,
who have tears in their eyes.
too scared to own up
to one little lie.
oh, oh, oh,

you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.
bada bada bada bada bada bada bada
bada bada bada bada
for for the teenage boys,
for breaking your heart.
for the teenage boys,
for breaking your heart

Notes on Love

I really miss the good old times when I can sit down and write something to the person I care -or I should used the big L word now. During one episode, DeDe asked me how would I do to make my loved one happy. My answer would go- I will love him. But, how to define loving him? What I love him in my way means to him? We might be under different frame of reference. So the first thing to do is to learn what is love.

There is something with me about this big L word. 10 years ago, I had so many fantasies about it and thought that is the most beautiful single thing in the whole wide world. Now in my 30, it wont come to me as easy as a kiss on the lips, a smile when watching he sleeping, a touch on his silky back. The thing about love is that we cannot scientifically measure or prove it. I tend to believe that that there are too much about it I don’t really know, which makes me think this is such a rich phrase.

Weeks ago, I read some articles on wikihow about love.
http://www.wikihow.com/Define-Love
http://www.wikihow.com/Know-the-Difference-Between-Love%2C-Infatuation-and-Lust
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-I-Love-You
Honestly I don't quite like the rational tone they used, which make them sound indifferent. But at least they are very educational and insightful in some level.

Among all those serious definitions out there, one of my personal favorites is
Love is patient； love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Another very similar and more down to earth version can be found in the movie Juno. There is one scene that Juno thought she might lose her faith in humanity and was wondering whether “if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.”, her father replied that
Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Of course you can say that 2nd fix-it-all/feel-good answer from a father to his 16-year-old daughter sounds a little bit fictionally unrealistic- something we should expect from a romantic comedy. But the first definition is the most read in the American weddings. Don’t tell me every single couple believed such reading are unrealistically high standard. Some couples out there are living according to those standards, and/or at least they should get some credit for busting their asses trying. But the bar is indeed very high, and a closer look might help me to learn how to love.

According to wikihow, love usually consists of 3 or 4 parts: Passion/Intimacy/Commitment (or Friendship), which does make a lot of sense to me and helped me to clarify some mistake impression I had. When I was younger, I did have problem to tell the difference between love and infatuation. The latter seems only contain passion and intimacy and grows into full bloom almost immediately, whereas love takes root slowly and grows with time. Based on my personal experience, the infatuation usually comes and goes very quickly, and only lasts in a much shorter period of time comparing to love. One important lesson I learned is that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity.

Recalling some episodes DeDe and I had, we can see the both of us are committed to make this work. But we also realized that we needed to apply the commitment/willingness-to-make-effort into the right directions. In another word, we need to learn on how to make it work. To me, the first thing is to learn to speak DeDe’s love language. I read the long email on Zaizai and me. I really appreciate De’s honesty in communication, which is a big part of why I like him. That article really dig out some difference in our communication. We both have our own ways of dealing things and people. We both are very skillful in our own languages, and we also are fully aware that our tricks are not WorkForAll. The thing is that the method D works events and method Z works events are intersected, we wish they could be mutually exclusive though. So the problem is that which method should we use for the events falls into the intersection? I guess for those, the ‘love is patient, love is kind, is not self-seeking’ should kick in. For me, specifically, I should learn to think using D method, tell De that I think something he did might not be inappropriate in my opinion. Whenever there is something I don’t totally agree what De did, the first thing I need remember is to “appreciate my partner and myself”. Remember that he means good and remember that what I am doing will be beneficial to us both in the long run.

I know we wouldn’t get there within an overnight time, but if we keep working on it, eventually we should be closer and closer. The whole thing works like saying I love you. How would you know what you are capable of, if you don’t let yourself go ahead and say it? So we did go ahead and claim love, then we heard the birds singing. Look, it was snowing, and freezing outside but we felt warm inside.

Confidence

I really like the article BB shared. The author is dating, and during this process he learns to better himself, works on his self-esteem, develops a sense of who he is, and more than anything else to gain the confidence and learn to believe that he is somebody that people should love. As one of those who living too long as a part of collective and do not have clear idea of his own identity, I need to take the same course. But if asked to write on this topic, I probably will follow the same thought pattern and add some extra points of mine.

In dating, it is relatively easier to find out there is something that one likes, but gives the other the chills. Like being the S in the SM scene. During this process of selection, two decide whether they fit or not, and therefore continue to see each other. After two date for a while, know a great deal and grow fond of each other, and decide that the other is one worth giving a shot for, so they start a relationship. Then they will find that the thin line between what one likes and what the other dislikes disappears and they enter a world full of gray area. Most of the things are those that one like but the other can go either way. Then what the other should do? How about let the other alone and let him be himself? But how himself the other guy can be? Take me as an example, if the world can let me alone, I want to sleep late and get up late; don’t want to work so hard every day and still being paid well, don’t want to clean the sink whenever it is dirty and don’t want to change cloths/ have shower every day. All I am saying is that we all have our responsibilities and obligations. We have ours when living alone and being single. We will have some others when we are partnered and having a bf. Having a BF is such a nice thing, and it makes me smile even when sleeping. But nothing comes free. Partnership too. How could we hear people say that on one hand one of his biggest ambitions is to make his partner happy, on the other hand he hopes everything work out magically by itself and he doesn’t need to have to do anything about it. If there is such a magic thing on sale, I believe there will be a long line of people waiting to purchase. Oh, if there is such thing, it will cost a fortune, and then people will bust their asses working to save enough for it. Wait it still needs work - another stories of our lives.

What the author’s point is about starting a relationship, whereas what I am saying is for maintaining a relationship, i.e. dating problems vs. relationship problems (D vs. R issues). Starting a relationship is like watching a movie- it is flirting with a guy. If that is a good-looking movie, the whole flirting process could be very pleasant. But this wonderful feeling could only last for 2 hours. Although you will think of that the movie afterward and occasionally spent 1 or 2 mins recalling the memorable lines. But that is it. Maintaining a relationship is like shooting a movie. The director(s) has to write the script, raise the money and more than anything else have to rebuild the vision in his mind to the camera. That requires much more work than just sitting in front a screen/tv holding a handful of popcorn.

The article mentioned that “catch myself when I'm tempted to change for bad reasons”, given the changed oneself due to the imperfect personality are changes for good reasons. Then what he is saying is that don’t alter ourselves to please others- “we cant thoughtlessly mold ourselves into someone other want us to be”. To please others by being others want us to be is hard partially because we don’t know exactly what others want us to be. So just being ourselves. It is also mentioned that lack of confidence is unattractive. That certainly is not the opposite of lack self identity- being full of oneself -that is arrogance btw. What he is saying is that we all need to work on figuring out what we ARE. Once again relax, being ourselves and we are attractive in our own ways, but just remember don’t hang our queer flag too high…

John, the Builder

Something happened to me lately make me decide to start to write reading notes on those I found helpful to relationship. I wont say that what happened shaken my belief to the very core, but at least it made me realized that there are so much I need to learn about communications. I usually thought relationship would work by following my instinct (specifically self cleverness plus the good heart) and having my finger crossed. But most of time it took more than those to make a relationship work, and it takes efforts, communication, trust, and work..

When looking back on it, I don’t think the thing I did was responsible- even to myself. I claimed love, but it isn’t "strong enough to make me stay and try harder". That comment really opened my eyes. Stay and try harder is the right and brave thing to do. Being ostrich is chicken. So be a man and be responsible. In Jodie Foster's coming out speech, she thanked her beautiful Cindy Bernard who sticks with her “through all the rotten and the bliss." Why rotten and bliss? Because that is life. It is so easy to stay when it is happy and things are smooth. But what should we do when things go rough. Then the work part should kick in. So what I did wrong? Please allow me to be Melano once, who always says that he wont sugar coated the truth to suck up his patient, instead he will go ahead cut the wound and get rid of the tumor right away.

To answer that, I have to look at what this pride/manhood really is. Digging deeper, I cant deny the fact that I am afraid to show the incapability side of mine. I want to be the strong one, the giving one, and refuse to be the one ask for the encouragement to face the frustrations I am going through. I refused to show this side of myself because most time "I can handle it"/”I can deal with it”. I know now by painfully force myself analyze it, I can even call the pride dumb as if I am looking at a stranger. But it will be very hard for me to get over them. But I have to make/force myself work on it.

As I wrote in my old blog that I never believe that affectation is something just happened to us, it takes time to get there, especially after we went through those not-always-pleasant relationships. It is something one has to choose by giving others a chance. I knew 86 has doubts and thought he will eventually get there. I always tell myself that I can be patient and willing to wait for him to grow into it. But deep down I still have doubt on it, which is one fact I refuse to stare in the face to. That IS in denial. I remember De says that he want to establish that I can trust him. I just blindly thought that trusting him is never an issue to me, otherwise I could not I like him so much. But I didn’t look into whether I trust him to be emotionally mature enough to grow into it or whether I trust him to be emotionally mature enough to solve those doubts by his own. I pushed those doubts of mine into the corner. He did his share of reassuring me, which actually I didn’t really digest. What I did is not distrust, but it essentially works as an analog of distrust. How to build this trust? He said that I need to build a confidence in myself. Seems to me that that should be the thing I need to focus on doing in the beginning of this coming year, especially considering the self-doubt I had on myself lately. But if 76 is reading this, please also reassures 66 in a subtle way.

Sometimes, building trust isn’t easy as we thought, because our brain plays so many tricks on us, doubts/jealousies. But I believe ones in the relationship should be sure one thing -which is they want to build the partnership. This certainty will give them the willingness/determination to make efforts and the strength to overcome the obstacles. In my case, this certainty will give me the strength to overcome my afraid to go into the emotional dark corner. I tried to find something slimier in bible on the relationship on the trust issue. I failed to find anything specific on this topic. But the essence of the whole biblical teaching is replacing the negative feelings/emotions with positive reassuring love. In the case of relationship, just this reassure/ love are from the your partner.

One more thing I need to work on is to how to handle a fight/argument, which is something I hate since I was a child. But maybe we can learn to discuss something without going into argument/fight, and therefore to gain a mutual understanding through it. But never shut down, willing to talk, remember you are facing the one you want to build a partnership with. He knows your pros cons already and he chooses to stay and work with you. Remember to communicate, be open and get ready to face the needles, even scalpel for some cases.